Here I am again

Path

I sat on the carpet that had worn the soles of countless college students.

Gray by nature or by dirt, I’m not sure.

But, as I sat on top of it among the stains from parties gone by, I remember thinking that someone had invested in a high quality rug pad.

It’s so strange that at this moment of existential decision making, I had capacity to notice the squishy rug pad.

But, then again, what makes a memory vivid is knowing something significant is taking place.

I knew at that moment that this would be an event that would shape my life.

I knew I was deciding my path.

It felt like it was a decision for a lifetime.

I faced my friend, Shannon, and poured out the thoughts and pressure and fear.

After facing a summer of post-college unemployment, I was on the precipice of a choice: business school or graduate work in counseling psychology.

Reeling from the roller-coaster of graduating a year early and having scholarship dollars left to use. [*YAY!*] Followed by 90 days of rejection as I printed and sent resumes to newspaper ads and nascent online application systems. [*OUCH!*]

I had to face the situation – no one wanted me.

Would I ever find gainful employment? Support myself? All that I had worked so hard for turned out to be a door to nowhere?

Fear crept in.

Doubt.

Insecurity.

I sat on that dirty carpet mourning the future that had been promised if I chose the right school, worked hard, did the right things.

I grieved the identity I’d built of the person who succeeds. Good marks in school, scholarships, internships… and here I was… rising credit card debt and my hope in making dreams reality slowly morphing into a cruel joke.

So, I untethered from the path that lit my soul with hope and turned toward the option that seemed more practical. Because, after all, accounting might be marketable, right?

And, so began the process of the “long detour”. If you’ve spent much time hiking, at certain points the trail breaks. One path meanders circuitously around some trees, through a meadow, and past a stream only to meet back up with the original trail. Likely worn, over time, by a tribe of curious or unhurried hikers. It can add 5 minutes or 2 miles…when you take it, you do so because you think it’s the actual path only to later realize it was simply a long-way around.

As I see my career over the past 25 years, step-by-step, it’s been a series of steps to get back on the true path.

While the carpet on which I sit today is thousands of miles away from High Street near the campus at The University of Denver… it’s the same decision that I’m making.

Soul-frequency or Shadow-song?

What I now know, however, is that we don’t get just one chance to get it right.

Our soul helps us find our way. As long as we are looking.

And all the moments we gather from the path we happen to be on aren’t wasted. They are experiences all their own. The lessons we learned might be exactly what someone on their path needs us to share somewhere up ahead.

Dear Universe,

I see it now. That truth you spoke to my heart way back then.

As I sit here now, I wonder if I have the strength to bet on myself this time.

I’m so grateful for the chance.

But, I need your help. 

I need you to show me that I can trust you.

That if I fall towards my fear you’ll be there to catch me.

Help me see that the fear is an illusion and you’re actually on the other side but to know that…I must release the illusion.

I need you to be my partner.

As I trust you, you’ll provide.

I’m actually getting quite excited to do this with you.

Because I’m expecting magic.

To come alive in the miracles.

To honor that for which you made me.

To be in your creation rather than trying to control the fear.

Thank you.

…To be continued…

 

(Below: The art included with today’s ‘Daily Story’ from one of my favorite artist duos, Flying Edna. No such thing as coincidences…)

Edna March 11

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